pluto
A poem about my borderline personality disorder
Sometimes I feel volatile. Toxic. Plain old no good.
To myself.
To everyone around me.
Sometimes I feel beyond reproach. Sometimes I feel like a limitless ball of light and good energy for my companions to thrive off of.
But mostly I feel evil. I feel a devil on my back, completely unaware of it most times.
It’s always there though, isn’t it?
I feel it when my sensitive emotions turn into passive aggressions turn into “why won’t they talk to me?”
I feel it when my self isolation turns into fear of abandonment.
I feel it weeks after my own self pity festers and turns over into deep rooted guilt.
Unfixable.
Untouchable.
Unlovable.
Sometimes it even feels like maybe, it was never there at all. These years of inner, and sometimes outer, turmoil were simply me invalidating my own emotions.
I was the one who was wronged all along. They should have been more sensitive to my feelings. I’m not crazy.
Crazy.
Overreacting.
Manipulative.
Sometimes it feels like it was never there at all.
It’s always there though, isn’t it?
Does anyone else with BPD revisit the symptoms of BPD or take those little quizzes to see if the quiz says you have BPD over and over again to be absolutely sure for the 8536885 time that you are actually experiencing this disorder and aren’t faking it???
